No longer 21

My longing to be active in community was a total failure. It is been years that I did something in community. Now is all about solo activities, individual therapy and solo workouts.

I will continue honoring myself by continue my journey alone, I am already used to it.

Maybe in a few years I will try again, this time wiser and with more physical strength.

At least I am not punishing myself to do something my body and mind is not ready.

I will honor myself by continue in a pace that feels amazing and doesn’t exhaust me.

Here it is to more solo activities that fuels me, let them come one by one.

New Journey failure

My new journey as dancer started taking ballet for the first time at almost 38 years old. The class is me stepping out of my comfort zone since I did not know what to expect I was excited and nervous. Basic ballet is full of techniques the opposite I am used to dancing.

My goal was for the first week to attend all 3 classes ballet, hip-hop and zumba. But after ballet, I ended exhausted and took me 2 days to recover. I really don’t have the energy as in my party days to party multiple days.

But all I can do is at least show up to 2 classes next week. This week was my first week and only did the first class which was ballet.

My goal is to be physically active and in community. I was lucky enough to be provided this classes for free and all I can do is take advantage of it. I am having a slow start but it is just the beginning. I will keep you posted on how I progress during the year. Because of mental illness and medication I do not have the same energy and resistance as before but hopefully I can recover some of the energy through dance classes. Dancing is a part of me, that I miss a lot. So let’s see where this new journey will take me.

POEMS OF MY SOUL VOL. 2

11/10/21

Despair

In the midst of despair I found myself

It’s still fall out, but am already in winter

What a time to sit with my shadow

After the light is block she emerges

She says, “Hey look at me! Am you!”

I turned towards her and I see is me

I asked, “where are you? All I see is me”

She replies, “we are the same, just negative labels. That society has place on me. Set me free! I beg you!”

I reply, “ my light is broken too. We cannot escape.”

Shadow says, “trust me, just follow my lead then, I will set us both free.”

Just turn off your light and let our love guide us.

Let’s dive in love to be free.

Always remember, in the midst of despair only our own love can save us.

11/8/21

The Rejected

Fuck Society!

The Business world rejected me fresh out of college

Then my next adventure in politics, I was rejected too

Use my gift in the hospital and ended up rejected

Went into teaching and was rejected.

They all wonder what was that thing about me that made me so powerful

My energy scared them.

Try getting into business and they only way I made it was as investor

I am too special to fit in a box

I break the boxes I try to fit in

All I ever wanted was to experience the mundane

But I turned the mundane into the most unique experience.

Rejected for being amazing

11/8/21

Society

Oh you insane criminal!

Labels me society.

The doctors labeled me insane, mentally ill.

The cops labeled me as a criminal.

The psych ward patients labeled me the holy spirit.

No regular job will hire me with those labels.

My only options are to be label disabled, win the lottery, or marry rich.

Other see me as healer

Who is the bipolar now?

The world is an asylum

The system is broken

Everybody is tired of the nonsense

I want out!

The being of light says “You are doing good job sweetie.”

I wonder what’s the point of being awake?

It feels like being sober around drunk people

Poems of my Soul Vol. 1

Here are some of the poems I wrote few years ago, enjoy them and let me know what you think.

11/10/21

The needs of my soul

To be worry free

To be understood

To explore

To go on adventures

To have fun

To be loved

To get high on love

To rest

To slow down

To make love

To Daydream

To be creative

To play and dance

To be seen and heard

11/10/21

Madness!

Oh! To be madness is…

To be free

To be Unique

To see the truth

To stand out

To be authentic

To be creative

To embrace it all

To be madness is to say Fuck You! To Society and do You!

9/22/21

My Neighbors Trees

I do not know your names but you gave shades during the sunny hot days of summer.

I always look forward to your changes.

I love watching you during the spring as your leaves blossom.

In fall I love watching your leaves change colors.

But the other day, I finally saw you in your glory.

It was just the 4 of you standing next to each other strong and powerful.

And what I saw was not just your essence but the essence of my soul.

For what I see in you, exists in me.

11/10/21

Winter Eve

Leaves are falling

Days getting shorter

Colder airs are in

Time to retrieve

Go deep within

Find warmth in the depth of my soul

Be ready for the times of despair that winter brings.